What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I think I sprained my soul last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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