4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
