You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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