I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
