Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
