do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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