Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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