all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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