I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
