Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
