He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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