she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
