yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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