Can Purell be used as lube?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
