i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
