I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
