I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We are all done wearing pants today
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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