I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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