happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
