I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
