please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
