she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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