I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
