Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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