my phone needs a breathalizer
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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