I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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