and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
