so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
