Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
