I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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