I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
