My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
