i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
