"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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