Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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