sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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