Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
50% drunk capacity currently
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
