How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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