Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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