I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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