You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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