I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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