We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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