I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
