i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize