Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
