she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
