Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize