remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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