He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
