Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
