kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
