I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
