he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
