This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
