I'm going to jail i love you
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
