just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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