You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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