He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
