I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
