when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Shame - the story of my life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
