So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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