Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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