You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
