do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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